42. Just Listen - Mark Goulston (📱)

17 Sep 2018

Reading Notes:

You need to speak with them in a manner that moves them:

From resisting to listening

From listening to considering

From considering to willing to do

From willing to do to doing

From doing to glad they did and continuing to do.

MIRROR NEURONS. studies suggest that these remarkable cells may form the basis for human empathy. That’s because, in effect, they transport us into another person’s mind, briefly making us feel what the person is feeling.

Do NOT deny that you’re upset and afraid. Instead, identify your feelings and acknowledge them, silently using words to describe your feelings. “I’m really scared”.

When you go from “Oh F#@& to OK,” you go from being fixated on the way you are convinced the world should or shouldn’t be, but never will be, to being ready to deal with the world the way it is.

Life is mostly a matter of perception and more often misperception. —DAVE LOGAN

When people feel felt, they feel less alone, and when they feel less alone, they feel less anxious and afraid—and that opens them up to the message you’re trying to send. They shift from defensiveness (“Get away!”) to reason, and they’re capable of hearing your message and weighing it rationally.

Inside every person—no matter how important or famous—is a real person who needs to “feel felt.” Satisfy that need, and you’ll transform yourself from a face in the crowd to a friend or an ally.

BE MORE INTERESTED THAN INTERESTING

“Deep listening” is one of the terms most often used to describe Warren Bennis, founding chairman of The Leadership Institute at the University of Southern California. Warren is one of the most interesting people you’ll ever meet, but when you’re with him— I don’t care if you’re the guy parking his car, or the CEO of Google—he is more interested in you.

“It occurs to me, Jim, that you spend too much time trying to be interesting,” he said. “Why don’t you invest more time being interested?”

So to be interesting, forget about being interesting. Instead, be interested.

The more you try to convince people that you’re brilliant or charming or talented, the more they’re likely to consider you boring or self-centered.

(Another good move, if the conversation offers an opportunity, is to ask for advice: People love offering advice, because it makes them feel both interesting and wise.)

I didn’t ask a question designed to make me look cool or clever or witty. Instead, I asked a question that Tom would want to answer, and one that let him be interesting to his audience. And that took me from being a face in the crowd to being someone he might himself find—dare I say it?—interesting.

The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others; the measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.

Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, “Make me feel important.” —MARY KAY ASH, FOUNDER, MARY KAY COSMETICS, INC.

The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others; the measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.

Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, “Make me feel important.” —MARY KAY ASH, FOUNDER, MARY KAY COSMETICS, INC.

Stress isn’t bad. It causes us to focus, become determined, and test our mettle. It’s when stress crosses over into distress that we lose sight of our important long-term goals and instead look for what will relieve us now.

But there’s another option that people in distress can choose, if you show them the way: exhaling. Only exhaling enables people to experience and express their feelings—like draining a wound—in a way that doesn’t attack others or themselves. When you give a distressed person breathing room—a place and a space to exhale—you don’t just get the situation back to normal. You actually improve on it. That’s because in addition to getting a person to calm down, you build a mental bridge between the person and yourself. And when you build that bridge, you can communicate across it.

back to normal. You actually improve on it. That’s because in addition to getting a person to calm down, you build a mental bridge between the person and yourself. And when you build that bridge, you can communicate across it. After he vents, you’ll both be exhausted. This is not to be confused with a relaxed state. The difference between exhausted and relaxed is that when you’re exhausted, you feel empty and tired and you’re not open to input. At this point, it may appear that it’s your turn to talk—but it’s not. Talking right now is the rookie mistake that most people make. If you start to talk now, Dean will close down because he’s too exhausted to listen.

When you take a heavy burden off a person’s shoulders, the person often wants to mirror your action by doing something similar for you.

The most successful people are those who don’t have any illusions about who they are. —BUD BRAY, AUTHOR, IS IT TOO LATE TO RUN AWAY AND JOIN THE CIRCUS?

Don’t be afraid of sharing your vulnerabilities. Vulnerability doesn’t make you weak, it makes you accessible. Know that your vulnerability can be your strength. —KEITH FERRAZZI, AUTHOR, WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK

What’s something that would be impossible to do, but if you could do it, it would dramatically increase your sales?

“I agree with you. That sounds impossible, so what would make it possible?”

Shift another person from resistance to listening—from “nobody understands” to “you understand.”

the secret of the Magic Paradox: If you want people to do the unexpected, you go first.

“I’d like you to imagine it’s a year from now, and you and your bosses are reviewing the people you’ve hired this year—and when it comes to this position, they say, ‘Get us ten more like that one. That person was one of the best hires we’ve had in a long time.’ Can you tell me what that person did for her and you to get such a rave review?”

When you and a prospective customer or client first meet, the playing field is level. As soon as you sell or try to convince the other person of anything, the power shifts to the client. The key is to keep clients pursuing you right out of the gate. The secret to this is to invite these people into a conversation rather than asking questions that put them on the defensive—and that’s where the fill-in-the-blanks approach comes in.

But the real force of the fill-in-the-blanks technique lies in the simple fact that you don’t tell people what they want or even ask them what they want. Instead, you get them to tell you what they want. This immediately makes people think, “Yes, yes—that’s why I’m here meeting with you.” As a result, you don’t need to put your foot in the door. Instead, the client or customer will open it for you, and invite you in.

Direct questions make people think you’re talking at them. Let them fill in the blanks, and they’ll feel you’re talking with them.

Until someone says “no” to you, you’re not asking for enough.

Nine-tenths of wisdom is appreciation. —DALE DAUTEN,

Oh, and one last word of advice: stop fretting over being new and inexperienced and recognize that you got this job because you’re good. Project confidence, and you’ll inspire confidence. Project insecurity, and everyone will sense it. (Or, as the diplomat and presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson once put it: “It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.”)

Focus on “What’s in it for them?” and reciprocators will sooner or later ask, “What can I do for you?” Focus on “What’s in it for me?” and they’ll ask themselves, “How do I make this person go away?”

Thanks to the Internet, you can touch a powerful or famous person on-line—especially if you remember the core rule that people want to feel felt.

rely on three basic rules: Make people feel interesting, make them feel important, and above all, make them “feel felt.”

Inside the most untouchable VIP who’s wary of being “hit on” is a person who’s aching to be touched in just the right way.

If you really want to get through to people, what you tell them is less important than what you enable them to tell you

Stay too long in your comfort zone and you’ll end up safe . . . and sorry.