29. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff - Richard Carlson (📱)

15 Jun 2017

Rating 10/10

Reading Notes:

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude. — WILLIAM JAMES

We often rush around looking busy, trying to solve problems, but in reality, we are often compounding them.

when you learn the habit of responding to life with more ease, problems that seemed “insurmountable” will begin to seem more manageable.

I’m confident that if you give these strategies a try, you will learn the two rules of harmony. #1) Don’t sweat the small stuff, and #2) It’s all small stuff. As you incorporate these ideas into your life you will begin to create a more peaceful and loving you.

The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you’ll begin to discover the perfection in life itself.

Let Go of the Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People Can’t Be Superachievers. One of the major reasons so many of us remain hurried, frightened, and competitive, and continue to live life as if it were one giant emergency, is our fear that if we were to become more peaceful and loving, we would suddenly stop achieving our goals. We would become lazy and apathetic. You can put this fear to rest by realizing that the opposite is actually true.

So many of us live our lives as if the secret purpose is to somehow get everything done.

The nature of your “in basket” is that it’s meant to have items to be completed in it—it’s not meant to be empty.

Very little in our work lives truly falls into the “emergency” category. If you stay focused on your work, it will all get done in due time. I find that if I remind myself (frequently) that the purpose of life isn’t to get it all done but to enjoy each step along the way and live a life filled with love, it’s far easier for me to control my obsession with completing my list of things to do.

Tell yourself to allow the other person to finish speaking before you take your turn.

The people you communicate with will feel much more relaxed around you when they feel heard and listened to.

Let Others Have the Glory. There is something magical that happens to the human spirit, a sense of calm that comes over you, when you cease needing all the attention directed toward yourself and instead allow others to have the glory.

Our need for excessive attention is that ego-centered part of us that says, “Look at me. I’m special. My story is more interesting than yours.” It’s that voice inside of us that may not come right out and say it, but that wants to believe that “my accomplishments are slightly more important than yours.” The ego is that part of us that wants to be seen, heard, respected, considered special, often at: the expense of someone else. It’s the part of us that interrupts someone else’s story, or impatiently waits his turn to speak so that he can bring the conversation and attention back to himself.

John Lennon once said, “Life is what’s happening while we’re busy making other plans.” When we’re busy making “other plans,” our children are busy growing up, the people we love are moving away and dying, our bodies are getting out of shape, and our dreams are slipping away. In short, we miss out on life.

Fear is the concern over events that might happen in the future — we won’t have enough money, our children will get into trouble, we will get old and die, whatever. To combat fear, the best strategy is to learn to bring your attention back to the present. Mark Twain said, “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” I don’t think I can say it any better. Practice keeping your attention on the here and now. Your efforts will pay great dividends.

Your job is to try to determine what the people in your life are trying to teach you.

Let Others Be “Right” Most of the Time. One of the most important questions you can ever ask yourself is, “Do I want to be ‘right’— or do I want to be happy?” Many times, the two are mutually exclusive! Being right, defending our positions, takes an enormous amount of mental energy and often alienates us from the people in our lives.

Suppose you’re in the post office and the postal clerk appears to be intentionally moving slowly. Rather than feeling frustrated, ask yourself the question, “What is he trying to teach me?” Maybe you need to learn about compassion—how hard it would be to have a job that you don’t like. Or perhaps you could learn a little more about being patient. Standing in line is an excellent opportunity to break your habit of feeling impatient. You may be surprised at how fun and easy this is. All you’re really doing is changing your perception from “Why are they doing this?” to “What are they trying to teach me?” Take a look around today at all the enlightened people.

Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.

A wonderful, heartfelt strategy for becoming more peaceful and loving is to practice allowing others the joy of being right — give them the glory. Stop correcting.

The way to be happy is to let go, and reach out. Let other people be right. This doesn’t mean that you’re wrong. Everything will be fine. You’ll experience the peace of letting go, as well as the joy of letting others be right.

Repeat to Yourself, “Life Isn’t an Emergency.”

“seek first to understand” implies that you become more interested in understanding others and less in having other people understand you.

Everyone loves to talk to someone who truly listens to what they are saying.

The truth is, life is rarely exactly the way we want it to be, and other people often don’t act as we would like them to.

If you don’t want to “sweat the small stuff,” it’s critical that you choose your battles wisely. If you do, there will come a day when you’ll rarely feel the need to do battle at all.

The trick is to be grateful for our good moods and graceful in our low moods— not taking them too seriously. The next time you feel low, for whatever reason, remind yourself, “This too shall pass.” It will.

Underneath even the most annoying behavior is a frustrated person who is crying out for compassion.

if you insist on being right, there is often a price to pay—your inner peace. In order to be a person filled with equanimity, you must choose kindness over being right, most of the time.

Author Stephen Levine asks the question, “If you had an hour to live and could make only one phone call—who would you call, what would you say, and why are you waiting?”

The less compelled you are to try to prove yourself to others, the easier it is to feel peaceful inside.

People are drawn to those with a quiet, inner confidence, people who don’t need to make themselves look good, be “right” all the time, or steal the glory.

Every Day, Tell at Least One Person Something You Like, Admire, or Appreciate about Them.

Many people spend their entire lifetimes wishing that other people would acknowledge them.

Argue for Your Limitations, and They’re Yours.

In truth, however, criticism is nothing more than an observation by another person about us, our actions, or the way we think about something, that doesn’t match the vision we have of ourselves.

Agree with Criticism Directed Toward You (Then Watch It Go Away) So often we are immobilized by the slightest criticism.

I’m only suggesting that there are many times when simply agreeing with criticism defuses the situation, satisfies a person’s need to express a point of view, offers you a chance to learn something about yourself by seeing a grain of truth in another position, In fact, negative reactions to criticism often convince the person doing the criticizing that they are accurate in their assessment of you.

Understand the Statement, “Wherever You Go, There You Are.”

If you are a generally happy person who rarely gets annoyed and bothered, then you can move from place to place, from person to person, with very little negative impact.

As you focus more on becoming more peaceful with where you are, rather than focusing on where you would rather be, you begin to find peace right now, in the present.

You’ll find that being listened to is one of the rarest and most treasured gifts you can offer.

If you observe the conversations around you, you’ll notice that, often, what many of us do is simply wait for our chance to speak. We’re not really listening to the other person, but simply waiting for an opening to express our own view. We often complete other people’s sentences, or say things like, “Yeah, yeah,” or “I know,” very rapidly, urging them to hurry up so that we can have our turn.

Be Grateful when You’re Feeling Good and Graceful when You’re Feeling Bad.

Know that if you don’t fight your negative feelings, if you are graceful, they will pass away just as surely as the sun sets in the evening.

When I get too worked up or start taking myself too seriously (which happens more than I like to admit), I say to myself something like, “Here I go again. My soap opera is starting.”

When you focus not on what you want, but on what you have, you end up getting more of what you want anyway.

Make a note to yourself to start thinking more about what you have than what you want. For perhaps the first time in your life, you’ll know what it means to feel satisfied.

There’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D’ Souza. He said, “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin— real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

Remember that You Become What You Practice Most.

Pascal said, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

There is an ancient saying, “Giving is its own reward.”

Get Comfortable Not Knowing.

The truth is, we don’t know what’s going to happen—we just think we do. Often we make a big deal out of something. We blow up scenarios in our minds about all the terrible things that are going to happen. Most of the time we are wrong. If we keep our cool and stay open to possibilities, we can be reasonably certain that, eventually, all will be well. Remember: maybe so, maybe not.

When you no longer think of your negative feelings as a big deal, or as something to fear, you will no longer be as frightened by them. When you open to the totality of your being you no longer have to pretend that your life is perfect, or even hope that it will be.

One of the most important pieces of this puzzle, however, is to remember that your goal is to stay relaxed, to not get too worked up or concerned about how you are doing. Practice the strategies, keep them in mind, yet don’t worry about being perfect. Cut yourself some slack!

When Trying to Be Helpful, Focus on Little Things. Mother Teresa once said, “We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do little things with great love.”

Just this morning I found myself at a mental fork in the road, about to get uptight about a mini crisis at work. There was a double booking and two people showed up at the same time for the same appointment. What saved me from getting overly stressed and too uptight was remembering that one hundred years from now, no one will remember this moment, no one will care. I calmly took responsibility for the error and one of the people was happy to reschedule. As usual, this was “small stuff” that could easily have been turned into “big stuff.”

Unconditional love brings forth peaceful feelings in both the giver and the receiver.

Redefine a “Meaningful Accomplishment”.

Remember, life isn’t an emergency unless you make it so.

If Someone Throws You the Ball, You Don’t Have to Catch It.

Eventually, everything disappears into nothingness. Welcoming this truth into your life is the beginning of a liberating adventure. Our disappointment comes about in essentially two ways. When we’re experiencing pleasure we want it to last forever. It never does.

The more love you give, the more you will receive. As you put more emphasis on being a loving person, which is something you can control—and less emphasis on receiving love, which is something you can’t control—you’ll find that you have plenty of love in your life. Soon you’ll discover one of the greatest secrets in the world: Love is its own reward.

Learning to be satisfied doesn’t mean you can’t, don’t, or shouldn’t ever want more than you have, only that your happiness isn’t contingent on it.

Keep Asking Yourself, “What’s Really Important?” It’s easy to get lost and overwhelmed in the chaos, responsibilities, and goals of life.

Mind Your Own Business. This is not a prescription to avoid being of help to people. Rather, it’s about knowing when to help and when to leave something alone.

Look for the Extraordinary in the Ordinary

If you search for ugliness you’ll find plenty of it.

Life is precious and extraordinary. Put your attention on this fact and little, ordinary things will take on a whole new meaning.

“Life is too important to take too seriously.”